


and the world said "i love you"

by brountide



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Self Hate, Shinji ikari - Freeform, a gentle kiss, kaworu nagisa - Freeform, kaworu said i love you and no one can change that, patient and loving kaworu nagisa, sad shinji ikari, symptoms of mental illness and intrusive thoughts, there are a few things that made me sad about the netflix adaptation, this is one of those things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 21:14:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19326229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brountide/pseuds/brountide
Summary: Shinji's belief that he is impossible to love and the aftermath of Kaworu's confession





	and the world said "i love you"

**Author's Note:**

> kaworu and shinji loved each other and you can pry that information from my cold dead hands
> 
> follow me on twitter and we can talk about nge @fiivla

“It means, I love you.”

Hearing those words was like jumping into a bathtub full of ice water. The way the cold seeps into your skin, making you alert and hypersensitive to the slightest shift in motion, the smallest change in temperature. Lifting your arm out of freezing water makes the air feel warmer.  
If the words Kaworu spoke shoved him head first into cold water, the way Kaworu looked at him afterwards rips Shinji back out. His skin heats up, his nerves are whiplashed, the back of his neck feels weak like his head is going to fall over.

I love you. 

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

Shinji scans his brain, searching for the last time he’s been told that. He can’t remember. Has it ever happened? Has he ever been worthy of love before? Even Misato, who has given him a home, taught him everything he knows about relationships with other people- she never prepared him for this. 

“You love me?” He can speak, but barely above a whisper. He doesn’t know if Kaworu even heard him. He wouldn’t mind if that were the case, at the forefront of Shinji’s mind he’s afraid it might all be a joke, and that asking the wrong questions will make Kaworu regret what he said- make him take it back. But he doesn’t. With how dark it is, Shinji can still faintly see the white of Kaworu’s teeth, his smile got bigger. He leans in close enough to make Shinji’s head spin and whispers a soft “I do.” 

The implications in that are frustrating. It should be as straightforward as it sounds- he asked for reassurance and it was given to him. But it can never be that easy. Shinji is never reassured, he is never loved, he is never cared for, he isn’t worthy of it, he isn’t good enough, he’s a _liar_ , he’s a _sneak,_ he’s _disgusting, he’s a **coward, he’s-**_

 _‘You are delicate like glass, especially your heart.’_ Reverberates in his head. He can feel those words pang in his chest, the truth of them sinking into his bones. He is delicate- so delicate the words ‘I love you’ can send him into a tailspin of doubt and self-hatred. Three words is all it took for Kaworu to break Shinji down entirely, rob him of his fragile boundaries and tear him in half. Part of him is reaching out begging to be loved, wanting to know what that feels like. The other half is screaming at him that its just a sick joke, that Kaworu is saying these things out of pity, that the part of him that’s pleading to be closer to the surface of this freezing water is betraying him. His skin starts to itch. 

“You have gone off in your head again.” Kaworu’s soft voice cuts through the noise.

“I’m sorry,” Shinji pulls back like he’s done something wrong, but his hand is caught again.

“It’s okay.” 

Kaworu always talks like he knows exactly what Shinji needs. The vicious cycle of Kaworu’s words and actions giving Shinji two different feelings repeats itself when he leans in, brushing the hair from Shinji’s forehead and kissing him between his eyebrows. It’s such a harmless gesture, but it shakes Shinji to his core- another first for him. _‘Never been loved’_ and _‘never been kissed’_ are added to the list of terrifying things he’s experienced in the last 5 minutes, and both came from a boy who barely knew anything about him. He didn’t know a thing yet managed to get close enough for a kiss, for a confession, something that Shinji has never been worthy of before. Why?

“Why?” Shinji parrots his thoughts, his eyes still closed and head still bowed from leaning into the other boys kiss. 

“Do I need a reason?”

 _For me,_ Shinji thinks, _you must._

“I guess not.” Even though he still doesn’t understand, he won’t argue this. The sadness that has been eating at his heart for so long, the longing that’s ebbed away at his mind for too many years feels nonexistent in this moment. Shinji is okay with being selfish right now if it means he can keep whatever this feeling is and lock it up tight. He won’t risk losing it, even if it’s fleeting. 

He feels almost cheated- that something as easy as saying ‘I love you’ and holding hands, these simple actions that gave him such relief even just for a moment, were impossible for anyone else to do before now. He still won’t open his eyes when he feels another forehead against his, but he knows Kaworu is smiling. The water feels colder still, and he’s starting to feel content just sitting in silence until Kaworu speaks again.

“Humans were born helpless, dependent on others, but you haven’t found a use in depending on anyone for a long time.” This new observation makes Shinji open his eyes, he pulls back with a furrowed brow.

“I-I’m not,“ he tries to defend himself _(from what?)-_

“It isn’t a bad thing.” Kaworu says calmly, ”I think your vulnerability is a strength you haven’t felt comfortable praising yet.” 

Shinji stares, wishing he understood what makes Kaworu say the things he does, wishing he could read his mind as well as he reads Shinji’s. But he has nothing to say, so they keep staring back at each other, no more whispers or small revelations between them, even still not feeling like there’s something missing in the absence of conversation. 

It feels like an eternity before Kaworu stands up again, leaving the water and waiting for Shinji to follow him. Shinji keeps up his courageous streak when he does. He follows the taller boys lead to their towels, then in getting dressed, and keeps following him even down the corridor to Kaworu’s room. He notes the way his brain is screaming at him when he’s missed his own turn to leave, that every step he takes after that turns heavy with uncertainty. Why hasn’t he said goodbye yet? Why does it feel like saying goodbye to Kaworu now would be wrong? He pictures leaving, and his mind tells him he’d have to rip a piece of himself off to do it. Shinji grapples with the fact that mentally he’s on the cusp of something terrifyingly new, and although he’s not sure what exactly it is, he doesn’t want to run away. With every move forward, he believes more and more that if Kaworu were to walk off the edge of the Earth right now, he’d probably follow him there too.

The lights don’t get turned on when they reach Kaworu’s room. Shinji pauses in the doorway, one last bout of uncertainty he’s working through: whether or not to cross this threshold. The soft rustling of sheets calls him to the bed, and he answers. He listens for Kaworu’s soft breathing like a beacon in the darkness, reaching out until he finally touches the soft fabric of the blanket.

“Kaworu?” His voice sounds too loud- he worries for a moment that Kaworu had been expecting him to leave when they got to his room, that he had crossed a boundary by still being there.

“Yes, Shinji?” voice as even and patient as always. Shinji sighs in relief.

“This is okay?” 

“Yes.” His response is coupled with the sound Shinji can only recognize as a blanket being pulled back, inviting him in. Another cycle of Kaworu’s actions matching his words- something Shinji hopes he will get used to with time. Nonetheless, he moves forward again. He takes the last jump into the abyss when he crawls into Kaworu’s bed, the conversation from earlier ringing in his head.

_‘I have to go to bed.’_

_‘With me?’_

Yes, with you. He rests his head tentatively on the corner of the pillow- it’s the only one after all- facing his companion. He’s still mindful of how much space he takes up. Kaworu throws this effort out the window when he pulls the blankets back around them and wraps his long arms over Shinji’s shoulders, pulling their bodies together. Kaworu lets out a soft sigh, perfectly content with their position, all while Shinji feels like his face is on fire. On the cusp of something new, he thinks, and terrifying, he adds, but even so he slowly reaches his arm around Kaworu’s waist, testing his boundaries. Nothing changes except the slow melt Kaworu does into the bed- he relaxed. Shinji pushes a little further, feeling bold enough to rest his head on the bony shoulder in front of him and pushing his forehead into a soft chest. The arms around him pull in closer, a gentle motion similar to how the moon pulls in tides. He’s enveloping him in reassurance. 

Shinji forces himself to close his eyes and take a deep breath. Kaworu smells like fresh rain and oak trees. He feels his body relax too, mimicking Kaworu’s carefree state and sinking into whatever this new experience is. His heart feels fuller than it ever has before, he’s wondering how he even survived this long not knowing how it felt to be held by someone who makes you feel safe. Shinji is already thinking about how he’ll never be able to sleep alone again after tonight. 

“Kaworu?” he makes sure to keep his voice low this time.

“Yes?”

“Can you say it again?” 

There’s a pause. Kaworu shifts so his cheek is pressed against the top of Shinji’s head, he can feel the muscles in his face move. He’s smiling again. 

 

“I love you.”


End file.
